“The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself”

Authoritative cultural sociological theories on contemporary romantic relationships employ the grand narrative of a shift from “traditional” to “modern” societies, as a result of which relationships are now supposedly “individualized” and “fluid”. Much in the same spirit, the polyamorous philosophy, which allows individuals to be romantically involved with more than one person at a time, aims to let go of the traditional monogamous norm in order to “keep the options open” and “avoid fixation”. Based on 12 in-depth biographical interviews with polyamorists and fieldwork at non-monogamy meetings in The Netherlands, I argue that the link between individualization and polyamory is legitimate, but that 1) polyamory’s individualism is a meaningful and structured discourse rather than a random phenomenon, and 2) it is socialized within delineated social environments, namely “queer” and “holistic” culture, rather than established from scratch between idiosyncratic individuals. This paper urges current academic work on polyamory to broaden its too narrow focus on queer culture, but more chiefly, it aims to remind cultural sociologists of the fact that one cannot stop after attributing a phenomenon to “the individualization”, as it is a black box concept that needs to be further dissected.